this blog. 

I don’t like what it’s become. I don’t like who I follow. I don’t like the triggering content. 

I can honestly say, that when I spend more time on tumblr I am more unhappy with myself. 

So I’m unfollowing any remotely triggering blogs. I can’t deal with it anymore. 

This blog is from now on, turning into a mental health awareness blog :) I’m fed up of the stigma, the ignorance and the lack of support people with mental health problems go through. It’s not at all fair. So I want to change that. It’s a big task, I know. But it’s worth a shot :) 

So, here goes :) 

xx

toboostmybrain:

The awkward moment when people talk about mental illness in front of you. I just don’t talk, I feel like I can’t breathe. I begin to think “oh my god everyone knows”!

I am back :) exams finished yesterday. I still haven’t quite adjusted to it. 

This marks the end of a really, truly, awful year. 

I’ve had scabies three times (gross, right?), and the treatment for it is possibly the most upsetting and distressing procedure I’ve ever had to do. And I had to do it three times over. I remember ringing my mum when I was in the middle of shopping for clean clothes because I couldn’t stop myself from crying. It made me feel disgusting. Having OCD and being told that you need to meticulously clean everything you’ve ever worn, is really awful. So, that was shit. 

My anxiety, ocd and various other mental problems have all got worse. My therapist told me that apparently me punching walls is a type of self harm. Great. ANd also he thinks I have depression. 

Two of my dearest friends confessed to me that if it hadn’t been for me, they would have ended it by now. So, that was pretty upsetting as well. 

I’ve also had numerous existential crises. 

I just remember spending a lot of time crying, in my room, by myself. Crying, and hating myself. 

I think I’m out of the worst now though. These exams finishing marks the end of the worst academic year so far. And I’m on fluoxetine now, which seems to be doing something :) 

So, HELLO tumblr. I am back again :)  

When I come back on here after exams, I’m either getting rid of this blog altogether (and just using my one about clouds) or i’m unfollowing every blog which is possibly triggered. I can’t be around stuff like that if I want to get better. I need to surround myself with really positive things, and things I love, rather than dwell on all the rubbishness. Scrolling endlessly through blogs with pictures of self harm, skinny legs, rib bones, upsetting quotes, etc is just torturing. 

Sorry. 

A week today, exams will be over. 

I will be 

I can’t even explain. 

I think I’ll cry. 

This has been the worst academic year of my life, thus far. And it’ll be over. That’s it. 

And I can focus on things like recovery, and readings about clouds, and dancing, karate, running, fund raising, smiling more. 

I’ll be back on here in 7 days. 

I’ve lost about 100 followers since I’ve been off. But at least I know those of you who remain are those who care :) 

So, I’ll see you in a week. Until then, here’s a few songs that are keeping me sane. 

Lots of love. 

Sorry you lot! But work really takes priority at the minute. 

I’m still answering messages though :)

My exams are over in a month, so I’ll be back properly now.

Also, I’ve just been prescribed fluoxetine…anyone else on it, is it any good? Are there any bad side effects?  

See you later! :) 

xxx 

I’ll be tweeting more than tumblin’. Follow me here.

I’m still checking my tumblr every day (for all these inbox messages I’m getting…), I just won’t be posting a lot until I’ve got all this FUCKING work and these FUCKING exams out the way with.

Lots of love

xxx  

I’m getting some herbal tea, getting into bed, and watching glee. 

And now my friend’s just asked if I want to go dancing with him. And I really do. 

But I said no. Because I feel so rubbish, and teary. I don’t have the energy to just be really happy and friendly towards everyone :/ 

I wish I could go though. It’d really cheer me up. But I won’t. 

:’( 

According to the docs, I have gallstones. Therefore should stay away from fatty foods as much as possible. It’s been about 5 weeks since my last severe episode, and since it tends to happen every 6-8 weeks, I’m on tender hooks at the minute. 

My mum and sister went out shopping and came back with lots of lovely desserts for us. Except they all had between 15g and 18g of fat in them. So I said thanks, but that I couldn’t eat them because I was worried about my stomach. 

My sister being the unsympathetic person she is, starts making snidey comments. She seems to have taken personal offense at the fact I can’t eat fat. She then offers me an alternative…with 15g of fat in. So obviously, I had to say no. 

She’s so unkind and uncaring. Instead of saying, ‘Oh shit Lu, I forgot about that, sorry. Nevermind.’ She just takes it as a personal jibe at her. I know full well that she feels better about herself if she sees me eating fatty or unhealthy foods. So she was pissed that I wouldn’t be, and that she would be. 

Being ill with gallstones has so far being pretty fucking awful. Firstly I’m terrified of being sick, and half the times I’ve had a serious episode, I’ve been sick. So obviously I’m going to avoid that at all costs. Why does it matter that I don’t eat it?! I was nice about it, I said thanks but no thanks and explained why. I didn’t throw it back in your face and have a tantrum. Jesus. 

I went for a quick 3 mile run early this morning. My sister had just got up when I got back. First thing she said? Not, good morning how are you, how was your run? But ‘How far did you go? Why do you keep getting up early to go for runs?’. IT’S NOT A FUCKING COMPETITION. I’m getting up early to run because I’m training for a fucking half marathon. TWO in fact. And if I get up early, I can fit more into the day. A concept which she has yet to discover! 

Last night whilst watching the undateables, I saw she was googling ‘exercises to tone upper arms’. I said, jovially, ‘You don’t need that Nan, you just need to do push ups!’ She snapped back ‘Well not everyone’s like you Lucy, not everyone is stick thin and lanky like you are, we’re not all that lucky!’. Christ. Thanks. Way to make me feel good about myself. You think because I’m skinny I don’t worry about what I eat or how I look? You think I don’t stand and look at myself in the mirror and dislike a lots of things? She doesn’t get it. It’s all about her. Self self self. Not considering what anybody else thinks or feels. 

I’m so annoyed and upset. I got a strong urge to do something bad to my arms. I’ve never done it before. But the urge keeps happening, more frequently and stronger. What do I do?

The biggest waste of internet space since tumblr began. 

I have to write this down, else I’ll forget it. It’s going to be quite horrible. But I don’t have my purple book with me at home, and I have to write this down somewhere.

I have really vivid dreams. Sometimes they’re just trippy and weird, but sometimes they’re horrific.  I’ve put this under a ‘read more’ tab just because I don’t want to accidently trigger anyone. 

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